I just wish i could cry in the rain

this is the first time i have ever ranted on my blog, so bear with me, i am also using it to review myself, if you have any violent objections, approach me directly and not to 'announce to everyone' or i can get quite... pissed, i type here cause i can express it better.

After all the events that have occurred, i realise the actual point where i really fell. It all comes back to the point where the people whom i know who are the same age as me and of my primary and secondary school years, could walk over me as if i was some door mat, bullied, taken advantaged and etc etc. Dont have to go through the details... but what was the reason? i was too soft

SOME HOW THE PEOPLE WHOM I TOOK CHARGE OF WHEN I WAS IN MY SENIOR YEARS, SEC 4 AND SUCH, LOOKED UP TO ME, HOW FOOLISH WAS I TO THINK THAT THEY COULD BE MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY WERE NOT EVEN THE SAME AGE AS ME. but thing was, as later i learnt that even people whom are 10years difference of age still could be close friends was a hope for me. But i lost it anyway.

It was only the realisation when i spoke to nicholas about why he (in particular people of his age) dont take me seriously. you know why? BECAUSE I CHEATED MYSELF INTO THINKING THAT LOWERING MY SELF (IN TERMS OF MATURITY) COULD GAIN FRIENDS SUCH AS YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR BATCH ESP. JONATHAN MOK. FOOLISH

In the past, everytime i have to ask those whom i knew for the first time if i looked young, i was still cheating myself that i had the 'looks' to be friends with 1991 born people, but come on... you cant blame me... I was just looking for a friend!!! Jonathan was the closest i could get already, but why did i lose him? cause of things in between, such as myself that i had to try and find. I read an article in the not too long past that states the character of a single child, that long friendships can turn out loyal and those that he lost are gone forever...

but the problem lies with me, my heart? my actions? my initiative to be a "big brother" to those i meet? nah... it was the fact that i was trying to find the person who was close to me as a friend in which my heart took over in feelings and emotion. I find it hard to smile anymore.

I now know what i must do, please forgive me in advance... if you know another way, other than prayer. cause frankly, i somehow lost the faith that prayer will see anything through (for myself i mean) everytime i ask God to show something, such as how this friendship (with jonathan) would result and stuff, would turn out... i have no reply, and truthfully, i am getting quite tired of waiting.

if you all realise lately, i have not been smiling often. As for you (glow), i have to be cold towards you, i cannot fall into that trap again of being childish and think i am 16 cos i know i am not. i have to do this because i want something for myself that i have been letting people take from me for the past 3 years and that is the freedom to choose.

I envy those with best friends, cause they are all your age. I still think of why i tried to bear no grudge against alan even though he was the one who was jonathan's best friend in the end. even as of now, i still want him to know Christ and such, but i always wonder why i do so.

I dont really care who reads this post,

nic: i doubt you really care anyway... thats why i am surprised that you really help in the youth ministry

sus: be thankful for your group of friends, cause you know someone who is tried to get that same recognition and companionship, lost it, and suffered for it, me

Chari: Thanks for being there, but no one will ever know what i face, and i dont blame you

The rest: know that jeremy pan isnt some one to step over, cause i will bite back now



Either you care or not, but as for me... its just another day that these thoughts run up my mind.

I still miss that companionship, but its gone now

I just wish i could cry in the rain